Logan's Secret
by silverdragonfly31
Summary: The real reason Logan turned on Veronica and gave her such a hard time after Lily died.
1. Anger and grief

Author's Note: So I'm rewriting some of this first chapter and I'll be adding chapter two tomorrow. NaNoWriMo is fast approaching and I'm planning on entering so I want to get this story finished before I start that project. Again, let me know what you think, don't pull any punches. I hope you all enjoy a peek into Logan's head through my eyes.

Disclaimer: Don't own Veronica Mars. Don't own much of anything really.

When Logan found out that he was wanted in the guidance counselor's office he couldn't have been less surprised. A grant to study the long-term effects of grief and an angry teenage boy with the unsolved murder of his first love still fodder for general consumption? Talk about a match made in hell. He steeled himself as he walked down the hallway toward the office, back straight, perpetual smirk firmly in place. He'd had years of abuse to help hone his acting skills, he knew that no one looking at him would have guess just how upset he was to have Lily's death dredged back up and served up for some stupid research paper, or how much it cost him every day to just keep breathing.

He hadn't counted on the fact that having someone willing to listen to him talk about Lily, about his anger towards Veronica, and the steaming pile of crap his life seemed to have become since that horrible October night would make it so hard to keep his mouth shut. He told Miss James that he blamed himself, which was true, that he blamed Veronica, also true, but saying that he didn't remember what Lily had been pissed at him about, that, well that was a lie. 

He remembered every word of the fight that they'd had, the one that had given Lily a reason to skip out on the party the night he kissed Yolanda, the kiss that Veronica hadn't kept her mouth shut about.

She'd been cheating on him. Again. And he knew it. And she knew that he knew and made no effort to hide it. The fight started like they always did, with him screaming and her not bothering to hide her amusement over the way her actions got under his skin. His relationship with her, his friendship with Veronica and Duncan, those were the only real bright spots in his life and as the fight was winding down, he was fighting back tears and within inches of begging her to take him back. When he and Duncan had become friends, when he'd started dating Lily and Duncan had hooked up with Veronica, he'd gotten his first taste of what it might be like to have a family that gave a damn and was, at least moderately, normal. If he were honest he would have admitted that it wasn't losing Lily he was really afraid of but losing what being part of the Fab Four brought to his life.

He could still see the mocking smile she'd flashed when he'd told her that he was in love with her, he could still hear the amusement in her voice as she ripped the illusions that he had about his life apart.

------Flashback------

Lily sat at the edge of the Kane's pool, feet dangling into the cool water, she leaned back on her hands, back arched, showing her bikini clad figure off to full effect. She tilted her head down to look at Logan over the top of her sunglasses, her laughter ringing out, wildly inappropriate, and inappropriately wild. "Logan, I know you love me, I mean how could anyone not love someone as fabulous as me, but you aren't _in _love with me. We both know that you never were. It's been fun, don't get me wrong, but let's be honest, it was never about me. Veronica Mars is the girl you're in love with and if you thought for even one second that you could steal her away from Donut, you'd do whatever it took. But you're afraid that you're too broken for her." Her smile was mocking but behind the dark glass of her shades her eyes weren't unkind. She lifted her drink to her lips and took a gulp, fighting the urge to grimace as the alcohol burned its way down her throat.

She didn't know when she'd first realized that she wasn't the center of her boyfriend's world. She probably would have been pissed if it had been anyone but Veronica that had stolen his attention away from her. She could understand the attraction though. They were all drawn to Veronica. She didn't care about their wealth or who their parents were and there was an innocence about her, something that Lily and Logan had lost far too young. Duncan had his own reasons for wanting Veronica of course but Lily knew that in the end he wasn't the one that was going to show Veronica that she was strapless red satin. Logan might be up to that task though, if she could get him to admit his feelings.

She watched his eyes widen and admitted to herself that the stunned disbelief on his face was priceless. She could tell that the fact that she'd guessed his secret floored him. He thought he was such a great actor. She rolled her eyes and took another sip of her drink. "So do you want my help winning her away from Duncan or not?"

----End Flashback-------

He'd been furious with Lily, for figuring out that he thought about Veronica like that, for not being jealous or heartbroken over it, for having the nerve to offer to help him. He shook his head, trying to clear away the memories and all the feelings they brought to the surface. His refusal to admit that Lily was right was what she'd been pissed at him about. There she was, trying to be a bigger person and he'd had the nerve to get mad at her? Who the hell did he think he was? She stormed off, leaving him alone, and it was the last time he'd seen her alive.

So yeah, he blamed Veronica for Lily's death. If he hadn't loved Veronica, if Lily hadn't figured it out, if they hadn't fought about it, he and Lily would have gotten back together, he would have been there, he would have been able to save her.

He made Veronica's life hell, tormented her and tortured her, struggling to convince himself the whole time that it was hate that he felt, not love. It worked right up until the moment when Duncan had looked at him like he was crazy for suggesting that his mother was still alive and he knew that there was only one person in the world that he could turn too for help finding her.


	2. Not enough, never enough

Author's Note: Ok, here is chapter 2. It's been awhile but I moved halfway around the world and it took some time for my muse to catch up with me. I love reviews, the more the better. I don't know if this is worth continuing, I think I might end it here.

Disclaimer: I don't own Veronica Mars, the characters or locations. But I'd like too. Just saying, in case someone out there wants to make me a VERY happy girl. Maybe for Christmas…if I'm good?

Chapter 2: The walls crumble…

When Logan pulled up outside Veronica's apartment, it hit him for the first time, just how much her life had changed after Lily died. Sure the house that her family had lived in when her father was still sheriff was small compared to his or the Kanes, but this apartment was miniscule. He pushed away the guilt that hit him as he thought about what else Veronica had lost, her best friend, her mother, Duncan, him, the rest of the 09'er. It was his fault. He reminded himself that she deserved it. She'd abandoned him first, picking her dad over him and Duncan. She'd been his family, the one he'd chosen for himself rather than the one he'd been born into but she'd stuck by her dad and that had hurt almost as much as losing Lily.

He didn't remember getting out of his car, or walking up the stairs to her door, but suddenly he was there. It wasn't cold that night but he couldn't seem to get warm. He pulled his jacket more tightly around himself and took a deep breath before knocking on the door. When she opened it he wrapped his arms around himself, fighting the urge to collapse against her and let his tears fall. She was surprised to see him, that much was obvious, but he could see the concern on her face too. In that moment she didn't look like that bad ass that she'd become but like the girl he'd fallen in love with. It stunned him to realize that he liked the bad ass better than the innocent.

"I need you to help find me find my mother." It was hard to get the words out, it was like admitting that he'd been wrong all along, like he'd finally given in to his feelings and started treating her the way he wanted too, like she was something precious and the other half of his soul.

She agreed, just like he knew she would. Veronica didn't hate him, even after all the shit he'd put her through and he wasn't sure if he was relieved or not. Had they still been friends and someone else had treated her this way…. He stopped himself before he could finish that thought because he knew that if he and Ronnie had still been friends he'd have beat the shit out of anyone that tried to treat her the way he had over the last year. He let himself be grateful that she was more forgiving than she should be but only for a minute. Then he had to draw his anger back around him like a shield.

Seeing Trina at the Sunset Regent dressed in his mother's clothes, having her blurt out the secret of the way their father treated him, something he'd worked so hard to hide, and knowing that his mother was truly dead, almost broke him. He didn't get far before his traitorous legs almost gave out on his and sobs racked his body. And there she was, like an angel, soft and loving, holding him and telling him it was alright. He didn't know what was worse, the undeniable truth that his mom was gone forever or that Veronica knew his secret shame and still cared enough to comfort him.

He walked into her dad's office a few days later, check in hand. He was going to give it to her and once that debt was paid, things were going to go back to normal. That was the plan, a plan that fell apart right before his eyes as she torn the check in half. His mom had been nice to her, had more than once told him that she thought Veronica would be better for him than Lily, but he knew that it was the memory of their friendship that made her do it and it was that much harder for him to try and convince himself that he hated her.

He called to warn her that he'd told Duncan about her files and hearing the fear in her voice when she dropped the phone made him see red. He'd jumped into his car without ever really thinking about it, his cell pressed tightly against his ear as he struggled to make out what she was saying to whoever was in the car with her. Once he knew they were going to the Camelot Motel he wasted no time getting there, peddle to the floor the whole way. He waited on the balcony, listening to Veronica try and talk this little fucker out of dragging her up the stairs. He knew that she must have been afraid that he wouldn't come to save her but she didn't have to worry long. His fist slammed into the guy's face and it was more satisfying than anything else in his life had been since Lily died. He would have left him a bloody mess if Veronica hadn't pulled him up short with the knowledge that the guy was a Federal Agent.

He waited outside for her, leaning against the wall, knowing that she could handle herself, that unlike the old Veronica, she wouldn't be an easy target if the guy tried to hurt her, but his muscles were still tense and he was ready to rush back into the room at the first sign that she needed him.

His eyes swept over her, taking her in from head to toe, when she finally left the room, his heart was still racing a little and he needed to reassure himself that she was okay. When she leaned up and kissed him, her soft lips gently brushing the corner of his mouth, he wanted to pinch himself, because he was sure that he was dreaming. She turned to walk away but he couldn't let her go. He pulled her back to him and kissed her. He tried to put everything that he felt into that kiss, afraid that it might be the only one he ever got from her.

He felt his heart break a little as she pulled away and made her way to her crappy car. He couldn't take his eyes off of her, standing on the balcony, staring after her, long after she'd driven away. And then he remembered Lily and the guilt hit him again, harder than any blow he'd ever gotten from his father. His jaw tightened and he walked slowly to his car.

He didn't deserve Veronica Mars. She was the type of person that did the right thing even when it wasn't the easy thing. He was the guy that hosted Skid Row Boxing on the beach. He wasn't good enough but he might be, someday.


	3. Becoming a better man

Author's Note: So I decided to continue this after all but I also decided that its time to take off in a new direction. Hope you all enjoy it.

Disclaimer: Don't own it, but wish I did.

Three years, eight months, ten days, and eleven hours since Logan had punched out Gory and he and Veronica had gone their separate ways. And here he was, standing outside of her apartment, working up the courage to knock on the door, praying that she'd open it and let him back into her life.

It had taken Parker breaking up with him to make him realize what he should have known all along. It was Veronica, it had always been Veronica, and it always would be. Every other girl was a cheap imitation.

Lily, the sexy, over the top sister of his best friend had been the girl that he'd settled for because he thought that Duncan would make Veronica happier than he could. He'd loved Lily but somewhere in the back of his mind, knowing that she didn't love him the same way made being with her easier. Funny how his decision to end things for good with Lily came not long after Duncan's break up with Veronica.

Caitlin, the first girl after Lily's murder that he'd considered a girlfriend instead of a quick fuck in the backseat of his car, he'd picked because he knew Veronica couldn't stand her. It had been another way to punish her after she betrayed him. And the Kane family. Veronica had always said that Caitlin was vapid and self-centered but the disgust and discomfort he'd seen on her face every time she'd seen them together had made putting up Caitlin worth it.

Next came Hannah. She'd started out as a way to get the charges for Felix's murder dropped. She'd come closer to worming her way into his heart than the others but looking back he knew it was because she'd reminded him so much of how Veronica used to be. Endlessly sweet and innocent, if she hadn't been shipped off by her dad he might have settled for her, might have convinced himself that he really loved her.

Veronica had found her way back to him then, and he knew that if Beaver hadn't jumped off the roof of the Grand, he might have killed Cassidy with his bare hands when what the younger Casablancas had done to her had had time to sink in. Years of friendship be damned. He'd known it wouldn't last though. Kissing her outside her dad's office before she'd left for New York, even though she'd reassured him that she'd be back and everything would be fine, he couldn't shake the feeling that she was wrong. On again, off again, they'd been stuck in a toxic cycle, hurting each other more than anyone should be capable of.

Parker had been the last girlfriend he'd had. His epiphany about Veronica's place in his life, in his heart, had seen to that. For a while Parker had seemed like a perfect combination of the things he'd loved about Veronica and Lily. Bubbly and outgoing, feisty and sweet, no matter how he tried to love her, really love her, she'd never measured up.

When he'd left the cafeteria, the searing look he'd shared with Veronica had been all he could think about. Until he'd seen Madison, that is. And then he remembered all the things he'd done to hurt Veronica and all the hurt she'd caused him. He went back to the Neptune Grand then, told the front desk that he'd be checking out in the morning. He'd packed his meager belongings, said his goodbyes to Dick, and left town without looking back.

Three years he'd been gone, and he'd spent everyday of it trying to straighten out his life and make himself worthy of Veronica. He'd used his wealth and his handed down fame to get accepted into a different college. He'd started therapy and for the first time he'd felt like he didn't have to be the poor little rich boy, the Orphan Annie, he'd been since high school. He learned that he could stand on his own two feet, that he could love Veronica without having to make her the center of his world.

That didn't mean that he hadn't kept track of her though. He'd gotten to be decent friends with Mac thanks to the time he'd spent with Veronica and the time she'd helped him with that website for his school project, and she'd been willing to keep him up to date when he'd explained where he was and what he was doing. Veronica had gone on her internship to the FBI but had come back disappointed. She'd been a free agent too long and working within the system had been a hard pill to swallow. Her relationship with Piz, not terribly strong to begin with, had fizzled and died when faced with the distance. She was still in Neptune, had graduated from Hearst with her degree in Criminology, and was working with her father at Mars Investigations. She assisted the sheriff's department, when they needed it, although not always when they wanted it. According to Mac there hadn't been any serious relationships since Piz, casual dating aside, Veronica had focused on school and then her career.

Serious about making things work this time around, Logan had bought a house for himself. Nothing fancy and ostentatious like the one he'd grown up in, it was small, having only three bedrooms, but it was on the beach and it had felt like home, warm and welcoming, from the minute he'd driven up to it with the realtor. Full of light, it suited him perfectly, although he'd bought it with Veronica in mind. He had been able to picture all the homey touches she would bring to it as soon as he stepped through the door. It was not the party hosting paradise the old Logan would have gone for and he hoped that it would be a positive step along the path to showing Veronica that he'd changed, that he'd grown up and that he didn't want to hurt her anymore.

Taking a deep breath he raised his hand and knocked on her door before he could talk himself out of it.


	4. Finally home

Author Note: Many, many, many thanks to my awesome beta xosummerxo! Any mistakes are mine alone.

Author's Note 2: Ok, I'm a raging idiot and I credited the wrong person as my beta. :P x0xsecretx0x is the person that deserves the credit and I hope she doesn't want to kill me too much.

Disclaimer: Don't own Veronica Mars but there are days I really wish I did.

**CHAPTER 4**

Logan's carefully prepared speech evaporated the second Veronica answered the door. His mouth went dry when he saw her and he stood there, stunned, drinking in the sight of her.She was still small and delicate looking but the forceful personality that had reared its head after Lilly died, still shone for the world to see from her eyes. Her hair was short again, but not as edgy as it was in high school. He even thought he recognized the shirt she was wearing as one she'd stolen out of Duncan's closet.

She was shocked to see him standing there, and he didn't know if, under the surprise, she was happy to see him or not He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Swallowing convulsively, he tried again. "Hey Veronica." It came out sheepish, not confident and self assured like he'd been going for, but at least his instinctive reaction to be a jackass didn't seem to have kicked in yet.

Taking the fact that she hadn't slammed the door in his face as a good sign, he cleared his throat and forced himself to continue on. "I just got back in town and I thought I'd come by and see how you're doing." His stomach dropped as she just stared at him, her face expressionless now that she'd mastered her surprise. She still wasn't saying anything. That can't be good, he thought, as he felt his heart break a little more.

"I…." His voice trailed off, he wasn't sure what to say next. "I bought a house." He offered up quickly, trying to hide his growing desperation. "I'm moving in next week, I've got a room at the Grand until then. A week after that I start work at my new job. I was hoping we could catch up, maybe hang out until I have to start work?"

She raised an eyebrow then, somehow managing to look challenging and disbelieving at the same time, and it was easy to remember how that look had intimidated so many people over the years. "Logan, you've been gone for three years and you decide to just turn up on my doorstep unannounced? You want to "hang out" and "catch up"? Where the hell have you been?" She sounded…angry. And Logan, honestly, was hurt. It wouldn't have taken much effort on her part to find out where he'd gone. Obviously she'd been too mad to look, or maybe she just didn't care enough to bother. It was hard to stand there, feeling so damn unsure but he reminded himself that he was a man on a mission and he straightened up and squared his shoulders. He was going to find a way to have the woman that he loved be a part of his life again.

"I transferred colleges." He told her, wanting to soften her anger. "I needed to get out of Neptune and figure out how to be an adult, how to stand on my own two feet." She'd always wanted him to grow up after all, to take things seriously. "I graduated and decided it was time to come home." He had to bite back a sigh of relief as the anger in her eyes lessened.

"I can understand having to get out of Neptune." She told him, "But I still don't understand why you turned up on my doorstep. You haven't called or written in three years Logan. That's a long time to go without talking to someone only to turn up unannounced."

He nodded, "It _is _a long time Ronnie and I'm sorry that we, that I, didn't keep in touch. You were really angry after I beat up Piz and I realized that all we ever do is hurt each other." He caught a glimpse of that same hurt flash across her face. "I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I went away because I wanted to become the kind of guy that deserved a woman like you. I didn't want to be this trust fund slacker who did nothing but party and drink anymore. And at any rate, the way I was blowing through my trust fund, I wasn't going to able to support myself much longer."

He braced himself, sure that she was going to make some comment about a leopard not changing its spots or something equally disbelieving. But she didn't and he couldn't help but grin at her. "I'd like for us to become friends again. I've missed you."

Seeing Veronica step back from the doorway and motion for him to come inside was one of the happiest moments of Logan's life. Oh, there was plenty of work to be done in order to form any sort of relationship between them, even if it was nothing more than friendship. But her letting him in was a start. And sort of symbolic, he thought.

Spotting Backup laying on the couch, he immediately settled himself next to the dog and started to scratch him behind the ears. It gave himself to do with his hands, a distraction, even if it wasn't a very good one. Logan could feel the weight of Veronica's stare and knew that even the few seconds of stalling was too much for her. She never was one to beat around the bush when she could get straight to lancing the wound. He cleared his throat again, and finally met her impossibly blue eyes, fighting against the urge to lose himself in them.

"So how've you been Ronica?" He asked, hoping that she'd be at least willing to help him carry the awkward conversation, a hope that was quickly dashed when she responded with nothing more than a shrug of the shoulders. Letting out a chuckle that was only slightly bitter, he smiled. "Not gonna make this easy for me are you?" And then nodded his head, knowing that she wasn't going to bother answering his question.

"Are you still angry at me for the Piz thing? Or is it the bodyguard that I hired to protect you that's eating at you?" He deliberately left Madison off of the list because that was one transgression that he knew neither of them wanted to remember.

She sighed impatiently and started to tap her foot. She hadn't bothered to sit down, choosing instead to stand in front of him, arms crossed, jaw clenched. "So is that the 'I'd rather be spelunking' look or the 'I'd rather be tied down to an ant hill' face?" He said in an attempt to tease her gently into a better mood. It didn't work, no surprise there. "God, Veronica, why did you let me in instead of slamming the door in my face if you were planning on making this so difficult?"

Her eyes filled with tears and his heart literally skipped a beat. He was on his feet before he even realized that he was moving, wrapping his arms around her. The feeling that he was finally home was almost overwhelming. And she let him hold her. She actually let him tuck her head under his chin and hold her tightly against his chest.

"I missed you so much." He heard her whisper, her voice sounding heartbreakingly sad. "I never thought you'd actually leave me Logan. I thought that out of everyone in my life, you and my dad were always going to be the ones that were there. But you left, you never said goodbye, you just…left." And then her tiny hands flattened against his chest and she shoved him away. "I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for that."


End file.
